Control vs. Freedom: What Are You Really Holding Onto?
Control in life shows up in two ways:
I need to control you to be who I want you to be.
and
I need to control myself to be who you want me to be.
When you try to control someone else or yourself, you lose the freedom for others to be who they really want to be and you lose the freedom for you to be who you really want to be. This often leads to inauthentic relationships because each person has differing expectations for how each other shows up in the relationship.
Why Are We So Drawn to Control?
We often seek control because it helps us feel ready, makes life more predictable, and gives us a sense of influence over how things turn out. For the purposes of this blog, I am talking about control in the sense of how we inadvertently attempt to manage people, emotions, or situations in order to feel safe, avoid discomfort, or maintain a sense of stability. Over time, these small, subtle behaviors can quietly wear us down — adding to our mental load, draining our energy, and leaving us feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and exhausted.
Control often stems from the beliefs we've developed over time — ideas about how we think we should act, and how we expect others to act. But if each of us is shaped by different life experiences that inform these beliefs, then where does the truth actually lie? This mindset can limit our ability to recognize that there isn’t just one “right” way — there are many valid ways to approach a situation, a relationship, or a task.
Freedom Also Comes in Two Forms:
I’m free to be myself.
and
You’re free to be yourself.
Questions to Ask Yourself to Release Control & Reclaim Freedom:
Can you really control someone?
No. You might like to, but in truth, you can’t.
Are people free to do what they do?
Yes, they are free. You might not like it, but yes, they are free.
What would it be like if you let go of trying to control the person or situation?
What would happen if you let the chips fall where they may?
What would the relationship be like if you finally accepted the person exactly as they are?
And, most importantly :
Now that I see all of this — what choices do I have to move forward?
How do I want to proceed?
What This Doesn’t Mean
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for what you want, advocate for your needs, or set healthy boundaries — you absolutely should. Rather, this is an invitation to notice where you might also protect your emotional energy by intentionally choosing to let some things be.
You already have SO much on your plate to manage. Letting go of control in certain areas of your life can be incredibly liberating. It creates space within your emotional capacity to focus on what truly matters. The effort it takes to manage every detail — in your world and in others’ — can quietly drain your peace, your balance, and your energy. When you allow yourself to release some of that weight, you preserve the strength and clarity you need to stand up for yourself, use your voice, and show up fully where it counts most.
By: Rebecca Svrjcek, LCSW-C, Certified Life Coach
